My Life
(2-13-02)
Every now and again I tend to think about life
In a dark mysterious light
And the only cure is by a sharp knife.
I hear people say that my future looks bright
And I should be proud of who I am.
I am proud of who I am
But not all the time.
On occasion I feel like slime
That is just here as a waste.
I have a hole inside of me
That grows bigger by the minute
Hoping to one day consume me.
I fight with what I have inside of me
But I lose my grip on the hope of life.
My mind starts to race
And all I can think is that I am nothing.
Just a screw up put on this world to fail miserably
My only true friend is this long sharp bladed knife
That couldn't care less of my purpose
As long as it cuts like it was made to do.
Sometimes I wish with everything in me
That that hole would just consume me and be done.
Life isn't that easy
It plays tricks on you
Makes you feel like you're on top of the world
And drops in you flat for one thing that you did wrong.
People say that family is your support through hard times
Yet no one asks unless you cry, slam something, or you take off.
Some people are not like that
They need to be cornered to get their feelings out.
Some people don't express their feelings at the spur of the moment
They stand strong and tall trying to be the foundation of the family.
Making sure everyone else is OK before looking at themselves
Afraid that if they crack the pain will just destroy everything they love.
I look at my family as a whole
And I think that they have more good points then bad.
So the next time I see them I am filled with excitement
So that when I do see them I see everything I despise.
The criticism, the hate, and the selfishness of each.
Only caring about their thoughts and their lives
When all I want is human contact of love
That unconditional feeling.
But it's just not there
No unconditional family love.
Then they say that friends are there to understand everything about you
To support you when family is not aware.
Yea-right friends are like glass
They appear strong, solid and dependable
But when you have a fear or pain inside
It's like you take a stone to that window and shatter it.
They allow you to support them in their hour of pain
But when the favor needs to be returned
I look and there is no one there.
Just an empty field where all I see is the sun going down
While the moon rises reminding me another dreadful day is around the corner.
My only friend being a long strong sharp bladed knife
Helps me to forget about the hole
In fact I probably help it grow.
I don't care though cause I don't see the point.
Everything I get into I fail
Everything I touch breaks into a million pieces
And everything I love and hold dear I betray and hurt.
I break trusts with the people I've loved all my life
I destroy all of my strong relationships.
Of course some I get back
But they do it out of obligation or pity.
The new ones I make
Look and know I am destined to fail and they want to see me fall.
I like to see the good in everything
I stand strong.
I laugh when something's funny.
I always offer to help or go somewhere when I am needed.
It's just hard for me to say how I feel
To me it's easier to hide and pretend to be strong.
With each sliver of that the blade
Makes me forget about that one problem
And with the next feel the power of being in control.
However in the morning
I can feel the soreness of the cut
Which the reminds of the pain
Of all the hurt as if it's brand new.
Absolutely nothing accomplished
Except a good nights rest
For another heart rendering day
Of going through talking, smiling, and laughing.
When all I feel inside is loneliness
And thinking I am just a screw up.